Tuesday, February 22

The Surrender: The only Road to the Suspension of Self

Hello Everyone,

How are you? I have (somehow) managed to take out time these days (whoever studied for English?) and got back to who I am. As in, blogging, and writing, and preaching, and selling faith. Actually, everyone sells something for some price, I sell my ideas at the cost of peace. I mean, I feel peaceful after letting my mind be see through.

I'm going to tell you all something very very weird. I was supposed to be dead by September 23, 2009. It is on that day when I got so tired of life that I had slit myself a little too deep. Yes, I was an emo kid, I used to wear black, I used to hate life, I used to hate living, I used to run away from everyone who loved me. I was an emo kid. Rather, a Gothic kid. A typically furstrated emokid. Anyway, I was supposed to be dead on that fateful day. I had almost died on that day. I had slit my vein so deep.

Why did you do that? I can hear you say.

I couldn't live with myself. The reason what everyone has to take such a step. Now this might seem quite like a paradox. But it is true. I mean, once in our life time we start to acknowledge the existence of this self, and we need to eliminate this prospective. At that time, I didn't know the difference between the I and the self. But when I had taken that step, I felt like I had fallen into a deeper hell. My loved ones trying to save me in some way or the other they intended to help. In that timeline when I was (supposedly) dying, I asked me the reason and had given the same answer, "I can't live with myself." But if I couldn't live with myself, that means there are two of me. But since I'm always addressed as a "one-piece", it's only one of them who's real.

Then I was gripped violently by this realisation, as if I have been taken by storm within me to a sacred place where I was being healed. I mean, I'm not aware what was going physically around me (my wounds were rather medically healed) but I am aware of whatever had been through my mind. By a sudden violent, but careful force I had been absorbed into a vortex leading to the void. I embraced light. I had an awe in my eyes. Seldom do people regain the innocence they lose in their life time, I had regained it at the right time. I saw the world like I have been here for the first time. I used to cling to my mother as if I'm a newborn. I never acknowledged the value of this woman in my life. I paid attention to each and everyword I heard, as if I'm just getting the meaning. I had started my life from a rather basic age again.

And that was it. I had started the process of elimination of self.

Now, how do I recognise the self?

It's a quite easy process actually. The self has worldly knowledge. A child is innocence only to the age of 5 (and this age is ceasing day by day, I fear). Then from 5, the process of schooling (something I totally sympathise about this modern age of Kalyuga) starts. We see friends (newly), teachers, homeworks and this self sprouts as a zygote, a nebula,  an embryo. This self begins from childhood, wanting to be something, to come to notice, to get a star, to learn counting, to learning alphabets, to winning in a race, to showing a certificate to mum and getting words of appreciation.

Then comes the prepubersent age of 12-13. The self becomes obsessive. Wanting to be a rebel in the eyes of other, wanting to do something different, wanting to stand out, wanting to see impossible dreams, fighting for subjects, arguing with parents, complaining about the system, suggesting the changes (which cannont be made).

When adulthood comes, this self wants a house, a car, a life, an identity and serves tooth and nail to have an idea of "class" (the self has been around to realise what it means to be in it). The self works day and night to earn an idea. This self gets married, has kids and then goes on  working hard for a "future" (which is actually beyond a human effort).

Finally when this self has retired and when we're left with the induvidual (the I) we realise that it's too late, or I am nothing. Many have realised that there was no point in being a cog in the wheel.

(Note: I am NOT saying to go to the Himalayas, be nude, make love or do drugs.)

I went to realise the self a little before the age came (thankfully) and set out to eliminate myself.
So, I sent out some men to fight,
And one came back at dead of night
Said he'd seen my enemy
Said he looked just like me
So I set out to cut myself,
And here I go...
No, not my words. But a basic introduction to fight the self. This self has expectations. I'm not saying that the self is doing wrong. The self is right but what do you think?

What do you mean what I think? I mean, it's a paradox!

Okay, do you have control of your brain? I mean surely, it's your brain that has control over you. Now this might again be a paradox, But it's your brain having a control over you! If it's impossible to believe, let's just have a test. Can you stop thinking? No, you obviously can't! I mean, maybe for a moment or so, but not completely. You can't surrender yourself to the moment. Even if you are silent, the mind is continuously thinking and if someone asks, "what are you thinking?" This self intentionally suspends the thought, knowing that the expression will bring out the induvidual and suspends it by saying, "nothing" or something that the person would want to hear (or a self assumption).

The Suspension of self. A thousand yogis, a dozens Paolo Coelho-s, a hudred Eckhart Tolle-s, countless spiritual leaders (including my personal favourites- Budhha, Osho and Rumi) have taught us to overcome the self in their own ways and we follow their ways but we fail to realise that the induvidual is prime. The induvidual is pristine. It's an innocent child. The induvidual has the capability to eliminate the self, but no two induviduals can counter the self in the same way. (The exact reason to why two astral travels are never alike). We need to work on our own path.

We buy a particular book, read a particular article, keep track of a particular blog to keep the "self" fulfilled that the induvidual is satisfied with this outlook of the world being presented, but the induvidual never got a chance to grow beyond 5. The induvidual needs to be brought out of it's cavern of solace. The induvidual needs to draw out that final sword in it's enemy, to cut out it's self.

The other day I was talking to a friend and the same ranting continued, "dude, I can't score marks."

"Leave that be, what would you do of marks anyway? We only need to get through this class. For a college, there's always the ol' faithful board."

"But my parents have expectations."

"And what about you?"

"Me too, obviously!"

"Then why did you highlight your parents' before your own?"

My friend is silent. I go a step further asking,

"Moreover, why do you expect?"

"Because I have the caliber."

"Then why didn't it come out by now?"

My friend doesn't like this attack. The ego of this self has been hurt. Now, here's the best way to identify this self: the induvidual has a rage; the self has an anger, the induvidual has a sexuality; the self has a perversion, the induvidual can't even cross the road without being awestruck and appreciating the miracle of life; the self won't mind stepping on a bug or two...

I can't really help people in the process of fighting with the self. This is something that only they can do. I can only be Pester John's mirror, reflecting upon them. At the end of it what I have to say is, don't be this or that or any of your rants. Just be. The process of being is the prime supremacy, the surrender, the suspension of self followed by an even longer and harder process of elimination. At the and of it, you will realise that it's not "I am with me" or "I am for me". It is that "I am." No trail of dots, no trail of thoughts and no absurd words, I am.

Peace out!


P.S. Desperately wanting to do a crazy experiment with the blog, could use suggestions.

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